Maybe I'm Being Selfish

When I think about Aryn, I generally tend to think in terms of my best interests. What is best for me? What is best for my students? What will work best with my time off from work when I go to travel? Look what God has done for me. Not that there is anything wrong with that, I mean it is a normal tendency of people to be a little on the egocentric side. Most of us think that when we're being egocentric it is OK, but when when others think of themselves first we tend to become annoyed. And really what mother doesn't want to hold her child in her arms for as long as possible and as soon as possible.

When you were little did you ever find a dandelion in your yard? I thought they were the most beautiful flowers and believed that if you blew all of the "petals" off that your wish would come true. I was completely amazed to learn that most people consider the dandelion to be (gasp!) a weed! How could something so beautiful that brought me so much joy be a weed?

Dictionary.com gives the following definition for weed - a valueless plant growing wild, esp. one that grows on cultivated ground to the exclusion or injury of the desired crop. I guess most people would say that the dandelion injures their lawn so that their grass doesn't grow to it's full beauty. But I stumbled upon a cool blog that talks about the goodness of dandelions while I was looking for a picture of dandelions in the yard. I don't know what the rest of the blog is about but this particular entry was of interest to me.

Sometimes, usually we Americans especially are tempted to think of waiting as valueless, much like most people are programmed to think of the beautiful dandelion as valueless. But as the poem I posted a few weeks ago says waiting is important and so what may at times seem valueless to me can in fact produce good things.

As surprised as I was to learn that many people consider a dandelion a weed, I was even more shocked to discover that people actually eat dandelions when I was at a French restaurant in my mid-twenties! What!? People eat dandelions? How can this be? I was told this was a weed!? People don't eat weeds? Do they?! Yes, people eat weeds but what is a weed to one may not be a weed to another.

So where is this leading and how does it apply to Aryn? Why would I think I'm being selfish? Well maybe this time of waiting for me is difficult, but the truth is I have never held Aryn in my arms, I don't know what I'm missing. I mean I can imagine and compare it to loving Isaac, but really I don't know. But there are people half-way around the world who have been loving Aryn since before I even knew about her. She has been living in their home since March 31st according to the report from our adoption agency and I truly believe that they love her.

You can see how she has grown and blossomed under their loving care. You can see how she's grown from her referral pictures, which I think were taken in June since her paperwork was completed in June, and compare that picture to the pictures of her I received in October and you can see that she is flourishing and growing. You can see that she looks happy and even radiant. And you know that babies don't flourish like this unless they are being loved.

This morning on my way to work I asked the Lord to show me if I was being selfish. I have been thinking about how much we love Aryn Rachel and how much we want her home, but I haven't considered the love being poured into her from her foster family as she waits in China. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate them! I pray for them each and every day. I feel such a peace knowing that she is in a safe place. God has blessed us with peace and assurance as we wait. But something occurred to me before that was a new insight. Each day that we get closer to holding Aryn in our arms is one day less that they have to hold Aryn in theirs. Who knows what the future holds? Not I. Some day I may discover more about the first months of Aryn's life. Some day I may discover what a blessing this time was for her.

And I haven't considered as I pray for God to prepare Aryn's heart to love us, I haven't been praying that God would prepare her heart to leave them. What will this transition be like for my daughter? She is loosing a second family. We'll be her third family. God has to prepare her. This journey isn't about me. It never has been about me. It has been and always will be about Aryn. She lost her first family at five months, how that must have confused her. So sick, so helpless and to lose her comfort. Now she's got a new family, to her they are Mama and Baba. To her I am nothing, a photograph maybe. A picture in a book. Really, what can that mean to a 19 month old who has no concept of adoption. Has no concept of a new Mama, a forever family. What is that to Aryn? She has a family. She is happy and loved.

Our agency requested a picture of her with a friend or a care giver and we were given this lovely photograph. Here she is surrounded with people who love her. Today they are loving her and caring for her. Soon they won't be able to hug her close or hear her laugh. So yes, I think I have been being selfish. Lord forgive me. I didn't understand that their is a bigger picture.

In art class we learned that sometimes we are too close to the picture to appreciate its true beauty. In order to get its true beauty we must step back. I love Monet, I think his art is beautiful, but it is best appreciated at a distance. When you are too close you lose something and it seems to be a mess. But when you step back and adjust your view suddenly a beautiful picture comes into view.